‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’
Looking back I do not think I could have been prepared at all for next two years. I would not have believed anyone. Now here I stand the two-year mark is quickly approaching and still no baby in my arms. What have I learned in this time? What have I accomplished if I do not have my baby with me?Well, the answer is a lot of deep reflection and self-discovery. The events of my miscarriage have supercharged me to grow, fight and learn more about myself. A very unexpected journey. Which is so interesting that one of my titles of a blog was “An Unexpected Journey” And this fertility journey seriously has become the unexpected journey. It started with a dream and with many twists and turns, ups and downs we still with the dream and we are still on the journey.
August of 2015 months after my miscarriage I was still in a horrific state. This was when not many knew I was pregnant or that I had a miscarriage. The fertility journey was still new and well it was laced with hope and despair. I was green in my thinking that I would become pregnant quickly and I would have a baby the following year. I was still having post effects from the miscarriage and my whole self-mind body and soul were in rough shape. I was in poor physical shape my body was sending me obvious un-wellness signals that I failed to take notice, mentally I was having difficulty sleeping fighting insecurities about losing the baby and anxiety and pain become my closest company. My health and wellness were very compromised and I didn’t have a full understanding of why. What was happening to me?
Doctors really did not prepare me for hormone imbalances and the emotional impact of losing a baby. I realized that women respond to miscarriage differently. With my first, I took a few days to just let my body physically heal but it was not enough. I dove back into my regular intense daily routine and I did not stop. I felt like I could not stop. I see that I was running away not healing and cleaning the wounds out. This all caught up to me. I remember the big break down. I remember where I was I remember all the thoughts that attacked my brain.
It was later that week I was seen by a counselor. I started talking about everything other than my miscarriage. My family, my work, all the other “problems” of course she knew about the miscarriage but I didn’t speak of it. She then looks at me kindly and asks if I do any self-care. I laughed. I have hobbies that I do I replied.
She dug deeper on those said hobbies and asked how often I take time out of my day to do them. I said I haven’t been. And I have been so consumed with work or other areas of life to still realize what I needed. Reflection on this would tell you that I was ignoring my body. All the signals and alarms that I was in tremendous need of self-care.
My counselor began to explain to me that “self- care” is adding fuel to the tank. Adding fuel and energy for me to drive my body. You can not drive anywhere on an empty gas tank. This simple message really blew me out of the water. I have never thought about that like that. I needed to take care of myself so I can live life and then, in turn, help other people. I guess… I have a tendency to be very giving. Even on flights I was always questioning putting on your oxygen mask first then assisting others. This did not make sense to me.
So I returned home and thought how can I take care of myself? How can I fill my fuel tank that has been running on fumes for far, far too long?
I look back today and my Self Care Dare I challenged myself August 2015. This is my story on how that 18 days I was able to care for myself as a mother would, inspire, challenge and nurture my mind body and soul. I look back and I like the person that I have become. I thought I had already started the fertility journey months previous but I realize now that the Self Care Dare was only the beginning. I had to start somewhere.
The Start of the Dare & Two Weeks Off Two weeks of self-care #selfcaredare Intention #1 Fulfillment: If you look to others for fulfillment you will never be truly fulfilled- Buddha
Intention #2 Balance- Comes in the moment you stand up for the life you truly want by making choices that align with that life’ #inner peace #balance #selfcaredare #yoga #mediate #malabeads
Intention #3 Fear to Safety every morning I wake up to this altar full of some important things and teachings. Keeping me grounded to what counts ‘People have a hard time letting go of their sufferings. Out of a fear of the unknown they prefer suffering that is familiar.’ #selfcaredare #alter #mediate #morning
Intention #4 seeking guidance from my angels at @injoystudioandboutique Openness- open mind, open heart #selfcaredare #mediate #answersinside
Intention #5 Friendship- we don’t meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason. @chelseamarj #anamcara #selfcaredare lovely having lunch with you today!
Intention #6 Bravery- Be Brave, Take Risks. Nothing can substitute experience- Paulo Coelho . I found myself being told I cannot do things and I understand the advice is coming from a loving place but I chose to silence those kind opinions and challenge myself. Lots of people thought it was crazy for me to drive alone from PG to Vancouver. I found it very relaxing with my great playlist. 🎧🎶I realize I hold the keys to my life. #keystolife #selfcaredare #soloroadtrip #brave
Intention #7 HEALTH! Physical health and mental health. The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely & earnestly- Buddha. I found @nectarjuicery and tried the Leader 100% organic cold pressed unpasteurized juice and the Quinton pure marine plasma and I feel so energized and refreshed! I wish back home had this yummy healthy juice! Thank you to the lovely ladies at Nectar that helped me find the right one since there were so many to choose from! #nectarjuicery #leader #tohealth #cheers #selfcaredarebear #selfcaredare
Intention #7 part 2 Health physical and mental. Yoga fulfills both these needs now less pretend we are weightless… Try aerial yoga at @tantrafitness – aerial yoga foundations! ‘Most people have no idea how good their body is designed to feel’- Kevin Trudeau #tantrafitness #aerialyoga #vancouver #selfcaredare #selfcaredarebear #trysomethingnew #mala #malacollective
Intention #8 Creative freedom – Today was a very rainy day in Vancouver. Went out for a little bit but spent most of the day inside. I was admiring this orange tree that my grandma has had for over 33 years! I thought it would be great to display my beautiful new and old @malacollective gifts! #selfcaredare #selfcaredarebear #orangetree #creative #malacollective #surfer #dreamland #journey the funny thing is I was told my 2nd chakra is imbalanced and that is the orange chakra. Interesting how we know what is imbalanced or in a funk but you have to listen for the message ‘ I feel creative inspired joyful vibrant. I feel abundance all around me and within’ #LiveYourPractice
Intention #9 Family- today my brother and niece came for a visit. Spent the afternoon immersed in our Chinese heritage ‘Give the ones you love wings to fly root to come back and reasons to stay’ – Dalai Lama #chinesegardens #chinatown #yearoftherat #yearofthesnake #yearofthehorse #family #selfcaredare #selfcaredarebear
Intention #10 double digits mean double intention- Truth and Self Care. Self-care – ‘Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing the best you can’ I am really learning lots about myself on this trip. But I am still waking up with intense anxiety and panic attacks. I don’t know if it is because I miss my hubby and fur babes or if I’m overwhelmed because I’m trying to pack so much into my days in Vancouver. Whatever is going on I just had to tell myself I’m doing something and that’s what counts. I am trying and seeking personal growth and it does take time. Second intention Truth- ‘Be mindful of yourself talk. It’s a conversation with the universe’ today I walked down to a cafe and read my book ‘Buddha’s Brain- the practical neuroscience of happiness, love, and wisdom’. And then I did some journaling about the experiences and trying to find what is it I’m seeking. Self-forgiveness, self-love – acceptance and it was intense how much I had to write down. #pretendingnottoselfie #guiltyoftheselfie #buddhasbrain #selfcare #selfcaredare #selfcaredarebear #truth #journalling #cafeday #findingmyself
Intention #11 Confidence!! 🙋🏻Some might think I’m confident and in some situations I really am. But usually, I fret about if people like me or if a joke I told was as funny as I thought it was or if my makeup looks ok…. Specifically if my eyebrows match (I have a serious war with my eyebrows most days 😕) In the city of Vancouver where there are beautiful people all over, I just walked the walk and even in Stanley Park acted a little goofy to get this shot. I didn’t care I was taking self-timed selfies I was having fun! ‘ I am enough, fear is just a call for love. I have the strength, the knowledge, and the right intentions. I am confident. I am worthy and valuable. Today I choose to honour my beauty, my strength and my uniqueness’ @malacollective mantra #confidence #iamenough #goofyme #selfcare #selfcaredare #selfcaredarebear #stanleypark #seawall #vancouverseawall #citymeetstrees #LiveYourPractice
Intention #12 Love 💙❤️ I basically ran up the driveway and jumped into the arms of my husband today! ‘Every moment, every glance, every thought and every word can be infused with love- Thich Nhat Hanh happy to be back home with these guys #peppy #dobby #@shawnminnie #hisandhers #ballhats #selfcare #selfcaredare #selfcaredarebear #iwouldwalkfivehundredmiles #roadtripbackhome
Intention #13 Forgiveness ‘It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light’ – Buddha. And ‘no mud…. No lotus’ I am overwhelmed by the amount of positivity and love I have been receiving this past 2 weeks. This has been a hard journey and I felt I had to be completely honest with myself and since everyone has been so wonderful I can be honest with you all. I have spent many years battling anxiety and I was not diagnosed for a very long time. I got help and got better and then as you know I got married to an amazing man and we wanted to start our family. Started with a fatcat then a puppy and then we were expecting. It was such a great feeling and I loved it so much. Although this wasn’t what life had in store for us at this time. I had a miscarriage and I went through a whirl of emotions and trying to talk myself into it being ok. Honestly, when you find out you’re going to become a mother it is your life and you make plans for that new soul into your family. It doesn’t matter how many weeks you were. And after, I didn’t realize what was going on with me, my emotions, or my body. I was so stressed, and down my hair was falling out, I couldn’t sleep I was breaking out and it was all signs of me begging for help but I was determined to ‘be strong’ but it all caught up to me. I ignored myself! I hit my rock bottom. Today was allowing me to forgive myself. It is ok! This drawing is something I found today and it outlines exactly how I felt and what I am feeling and I am so overjoyed to see the upside of things. Which is this self-care dare journey!!!! I want to thank those that are supporting me! I love you and I feel I can see life how it should be now! I am getting better and that feels amazing #selfcare #selfcaredare #selfcaredarebear #miscarriageawareness #itsok #iamenough #iforgivemyself #nomudnolotus
Intention #14 Freedom. I popped over to @booksandcompanypg and grabbed a couple of great reads ( ‘The Book of AWESOME, Bear Gryllis mud sweat and tears and a beautiful mess’ I noticed a lot of titles on my bookshelf are self-help and helping you overcome and I just wanted something fun. And I mean ‘the book of awesome’ how fitting!… ‘Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace- Buddha’ #selfcare #selfcaredare #selfcaredarebear #healing #findingtheawesome #1000awesomethings #booksandco
Intention #15 Compassion. ‘💙Love💖 & Compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive’- Dalai Lama …. ‘If you want others to be happy, practice compassion, if you want yourself to be happy, practice compassion’- Dalai Lama Yesterday Shawn and I went to the last wedding of 2015. It was so wonderful to see people that mean so much to us be so happy and share the day with us! Shawn and I really enjoyed the day and even Shawn couldn’t get off the dance floor. Jumping out of his seat and pulling me to dance! And then looking up to seeing the sky glittered with the most beautiful stars I think I have ever seen in my life! Happy memories were created #selfcare #selfcaredare #selfcaredarebear #mrandmrs #theminnies #love #compassion #beautifulbc
Intention #16 Journey ‘Travel far enough, you meet yourself’ – Cloud Atlas the book. Almost complete my self-care dare and it has been an incredible journey. I have become more aware of myself. My flaws, strengths, goal, dreams and a little bit of my life purpose. I want to learn from the past storms and pains and look forward and see the light and love of the future. (Not worry about the future) #lookingforward #selfcare #selfcaredare #selfcaredarebear #beautifulbc #journey 📷: @shawn_minnie #nofilter #nikon
Intention #17 PERSONAL GROWTH! Wow I cannot believe where the past 17 days has taken me! From hiding out at home to the busy streets of Van to the refreshing Ancient Forests of Northern B.C. All the lessons I have come across has made this journey so incredibly powerful. ‘Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won and all the fears you have overcome’ – unknown and ‘The man on top of the mountain didn’t fall there’ – Vince Landardi. Self Care Dare Bear Challenge: one of the best things I could have done for myself and I feel I want to continue it on a daily basis! Always growing like a tree. #selfcaredarebear #selfcaredare #selfcare #personalgrowth #growlikeatree #ancientforest #explorebc 📷: @shawn_minnie #didntknowiwasaseed
Intention 18. Mindfulness. Just experienced the most enlightening yoga session! 2 hours of laughing, fun and yoga practice with @sufeychen and our group of beautiful people! I even did my first headstand!!!!!! A little support but baby steps are key! Amazing tonight! My heart chakra needed a little extra attention after a frustrating day, universe presented Rose Quartz and look my mat, it is pink, my top and even the little toes were piglet pink! Powerful and mindful practice #zenhappy #heartchakra #yoga #mindfulness #selfcare #selfcaredare #selfcaredarebear thank you for my new journal! I love the vintage cameras on the cover! #mantra #satanama got home and journaled a little 💖💕💙😜☺️🙏🏼 #ihavethisthingwithyogamats
And that was my first chapter of my Fertility Journey. The events that followed after really had a lot to do with the shaping and growth of the new me and I really am thankful for this opportunity. I know how busy life can become something that really stuck with me was that “You Can’t Pour From An Empty Cup”
You have permission to take care of yourself. Love yourself.