They Tried to Bury Us…

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“Tree Pose”

Photo Credit: GSP Photography

“They tried to bury us. They did not know we were seeds” – Mexican Proverb

I have lived with some sort of anxiety for close to 10 years or even longer but I was not aware or “diagnosis” with an anxiety disorder until 2013. My own thoughts would turn against me telling me a very ugly truth but it had to be true because I was thinking it. Telling me I wasn’t smart enough or that I could not say what I wanted to, since no one would listen, I am a loner or a loser. It is awful what we say to ourselves. Absolute cruelty that I was poisoning my days. I really like the quote above. With every harsh thought and self doubt I was only putting more and more dirt on me. I have had dark times in my life as we all have. I can say with full truth that all the “bad” things that have happened to me I have been able to grasp a lesson or learn something.

The most recent was on June 14th of this year. This year was supposed to be amazing. February 24th I got married to my best friend and soul mate. We said our “I do’s” on a sunset beach in Koh Samui, Thailand surrounded by our family and friends. Our honeymoon was spent in Thailand hopping beach to beach. Complete bliss. We returned home to Prince George with a dream of starting a family. And for a while that dream become a reality which was so incredible! I really enjoyed being pregnant. But I suppose it was not meant to be. Yesterday marked four months since we had a miscarriage and I went thought a lot of emotions and thoughts (the negative kind), I remember sitting on my couch thinking “Well maybe we were expecting twins and I just lost one. Stay hopeful!” I was trying to be hopeful but just as I knew I was pregnant, I also knew when I was not. I tried to carry on and like nothing really bothered me pausing for moments to have a cry but I choked it down and suck it up and pushed forward…. not the best decision. I should have dealt with the grief but I felt guilty grieving something that I didn’t have for all that long. Some people tried to tell me “at least you weren’t very far along” And I do agree but I still experienced a loss. Grief is grief and we are allowed that. We are allowed to be vulnerable.

Someone dear to me told me this…

” No matter how far along you are when you lose your baby, it’s hard. The second we find out we’re pregnant we create space in our lives for the little one, and all thoughts are about picturing that little one in our world, with our families, our house, at the playground, their clothes, bedrooms, everything, & it occupies every second of your mind every day! ….it’s not “just” a lost pregnancy, your baby died, and that’s really really sad, and really hard. And it will get easier & you’re thinking positively about it and that’s a really good thing. I’m hugging you big, and I can’t wait to hear about your next adventure!”

This message helped me so much! Recognizing and taking time you need is 100% OK!

I believe (you might have a different belief which I respect) that our children are souls that we are connected to just like our soul-mates or soul sisters and we are reincarnated to this Earth to be reunited with our Soul Family. I belive children and parents have a spiritual connection and that bond will re unite us soon.

Today October 15th is National Miscarriage Awareness Day. “Wave of Light” Lighting a candle at 7 pm.

This is a personal and private subject and I was very hestiant to write this post. But I just want any women who is going through this or has know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I want you to know as a women who has gone through it you are not just a number or a statistic you are so special you are a women and you are love! It isn’t not something to be ashamed of. We need to support each other and share the love. Sending you love!

So as I was saying it was dark times and I I knew I could not stay buried forever. So when I was able to take time off work and do my “Self Care Dare” I did a few things I opened the wound that I covered up and ignored for the past two months and I cleaned it out showed it love and light. Once I started that a really cool thing sparked. Like a seed being showered by water, light and love it started to spout up! Moving it’s way through the dirt and growing.

The pose I chose for my Yoga Teacher Training photo was not just a pose I could do. It symbolizes the growth I have done and the growth I will continue to do over the years. Like a strong tree in an ancient forest. As sad and heartbroken as I was I know that these past 4 months have given me so much. I have cared for myself, challenged myself in a positive way. Enjoying this present moment with my Husband, our fluffy cat and our puppy! Taking time to get to optimal health. I know that this miscarriage sent me on a different and unexpected journey. I am so grateful for the love and support I have received. 🙂